remembering the loss of you

I miss you

It wasnt until months after you were gone that I allowed myself to cry

The day you left was hard for so many people

I felt like I had to be strong for my family, I had to console them and hold them while they cried

But really, I just couldnt comprehend it

You were larger than life, someone everyone knew and liked and trusted

But to me you were just my grandpa, who sang silly songs with me in cars about coffee and tea, and stinky feet hanging out windows

You were the one who pretended to eat my toy plastic food, and then my ear

You were the one who treated me beyond my years, entrusting me with tales and retells of stories i wished i remembered

I still cannot believe ypure gone

Everytime I go see grandma i expect you to be sitting in your rocking chair or reading the paper at the table

It was months before I cried about you

I wish i could talk to you
I want to know if you are proud of me

I like to think you are

me explaining things to myself: stuck in a spiral of dreams

How can i even begin to attempt to explain,
the thoughts that spin around around in my brain
sometimes i feel like i might be insane-

at least, compared to other people
their words so concise, yet elegant, just lethal-
in their ease to follow, they take you where they mean to lead you.

im not sure why i can't easily express
the ideas that spin round and round with no rest
my mind just keeps whirling, wHiRLiNg!!
and you don't want to get lost down
this rabbit hole with me, because soon you'll see that
maybe.
theres nothing interesting.
because the things that tend to occupy my time
are boring or senseless or impossible for me to define.

and when i don't think, i just sleep
and when i sleep, i don't remember my dreams
and sleeping is boring without dreaming
and without dreams, life has no meaning

so ill dream when im awake.
and tumble through spirals of tangents and ideas that are only half-baked.
before i move on to next one
and as a sentence is slipping off of my tongue
another idea is shooting out like a gun and wait.

maybe this is why my brain doesn't make sense.

huh.

cold late nights and hot hazy afternoons

how do you do that?

how do you be real?

do you just...not do anything?

no mind-blowing explanation,
just an action that requires no thinking?

do you just live and be alive,
and that alone lets you have a place,
lets you exist and have an existence in a world,

in this world

in this world (that might not be real either)

i sit in silence and fear,
constantly questioning how to be real

because if there is anything i dont feel

i dont feel real

when you can't sleep and feel like fighting the world

aint got no money got no time aint got no peace of mind
got no money got no time got no goddamn peace of mind

but ill fight
and ill try
to find just what
i meant to be alive for
and ill keeping trying to find my way

and i can never stay the same
because i keep falling
but i get up
because all these things
that push me down
cant stop me from standing up

tic toc tic toc

im a consumer
a consumer of ideas
i want to see what someone else thinks
i want to see the world through their eyes
how they think the world tick tocks tic tok

i want every word every feeling every sigh every breath in between theyre all apart of your story
the way you tell it
the way it is meant to be told
it doesnt matter what its about its a part of you and you gave it life
gave it a chance to live in this world of tics and tocs

i know what i know i want to know what you know i want to know how you think this world tic toc tic tocs
i want to know what the world has shown you because its something that ill never be able to witness quite the same way

i want to grow i want to learn i want to see the world through everyone elses eyes and take that information  and change how i see it, how i think the world tic tocs tic tocs

but im running out of time tic toc
im running out of time all the time
theres no rest tic toc
theres no time to explore the world tic toc
because in order to live you have to tic toc
and most people tic toc and ignore the clock going tic toc tic toc bc theyre working their gears and over the whirrs and clicks the sound of clocks running out is
too quiet to notice

Graphic Novel

sometimes you make my imagination overflow

we dance under the stars sometimes
you twirl me, and i twirl you back
its the ebb and flow
the give and take
that makes us what we are

and if someone asked me
if this is all worth it
id have to reply with

maybe you havent felt this
do you know when you were little
and you put up glow in the dark stars on your ceiling
and then that night, you climbed into bed and turned off the light
and a night sky blossomed above your head

that euphoria, is what this love is like

An ode from my heart, to my heart

you rustle the trees

and let the branches fall.

leaves gently drifting;

a slow and soft landing

onto a covered forest floor

the breeze drifts through

the branches in my chest.

and causes my soul to sing

the gentle strum of my heart strings.

like living poetry,

you are indescribable.

the sweet warm sun of your presence

heats my heart

i look into your eyes

and like looking through a telescope,

my breath is stolen

by the stars and galaxies

living inside you 

Ever wanted to make huge dragons for no reason other than it'd be fun and cool as hell???

Look no further!!!!

Looking for a group of people into art and/or construction, sculptors too???
to make really big ass dragons and hide them around the park.

I'm poor but I figure we can pool our resources together and just buy a shit ton of different materials to make crazy ass dragons sculptures.  We can make these lil fire breathing babies out of whatever the hell you want, except like solid gold or poisonous sludge or something ridic like that.

I want a group pf people, maybe at least 5, but 3 is doable, 15 is probably the limit, so we can lift these heavy beasts and hide them around the park at night.

We could also make tiny ones and put them in trees or bury them.  Like, a mini dragon made out of doggy biscuits as a treat for whatever wild animal finds it first.

I do want at least 7 big ass dragons though so let's aim for that

No real time limit on this project but I would like to be done with it before summer becasue that's about when my attention span will wanna move on.

Message me if youre interested and when I get enough people we can meet up and start discussing logistics and shit ✌️️

A Story Based On an Image of Dots: Misadventures of Explorers

“This is going to be AMAZING! Think of all the things we could find! New plants, new animals. Just straight up new earth for us to explore!  Do you think anyone has ever set foot there before? Or…” He gasps dramatically, the excitement still evident in his voice and on his face,

“Do you there will be natives who have never seen anyone from the outside world?”

His friend ignores him for a second, concentrating on how he can fit an extra canteen into his already overpacked backpack.  Giving up for a second he turns to his friend and all but growls at him.

“Tim.  There’s not gonna be any natives running us off with spears and arrows.  That was one time--and a place you had convinced me was uninhabited!  No matter how much you enjoy running amok and trying to make first contact--poorly I might add--there’s zero chance to do it now.  So,” The friend gave one final shove on the canteen, finally getting it to squish into his pack.  He hoisted it over his shoulder and continued, “If you want to bring the dogs, you better go get them into the car.  We need to leave in five minutes if we’re gonna make the flight.”

Tim laughed and jumped off Leo’s bed.  He bounced on to his feet and started calling the two dogs.  He met the dogs with excited pats for them and wagging tails and sloppy licks for him.  Leo followed out, excited as well, but more reserved.  He couldn’t help but feel something was going to go wrong on this expedition.

THUD

“Tim...what did you do?!”

Tim, Leo, and the two dogs were in a square shaped chamber.  They had found a temple that looked centuries old and Tim insisted on going inside, after Leo made sure it wasn’t going to collapse on them instantly.  After going several winding passageways and narrow staircases, the group find themselves in a damp, but large and mostly empty cavern.  Sunlight flittered in only from a few holes in the roof of the cave.  Moss and other swampy foliage littered the cave floor, only giving way to stalagmites and small pools of muddy water.  In the very center of the expansive cave was a square room with only three walls.  Tim, with the dogs chasing his heels, bounded over to the small chamber.  Tim excitedly started examining and attempting to decipher them.  The dogs sniffed around the inner edges.

Leo followed over, cautiously looking around, the earlier feeling of dread squashing all excitement he might have felt.  He felt a prickle on the back of his neck and got the feeling they were being watched.  As he passed an invisible boundary of the fourth missing wall,  Tim brushed his hand over a dusty marking on the wall and the fourth wall erupted from the ground and crashed into the ceiling, causing a loud thud and trapping the group inside.

Leo stared wide eyed at his friend, “Tim...What did you do?!  We’re trapped!!!”

Tim looked at his friend, astonishment and fear giving him pause.  One of the dogs whimpered.  Tim absentmindedly gave him a pat.  He whispered, “I have absolutely no idea…” and held up his flashlight to get a closer look at what his hand brushed.

Leo threw his backpack down and let anger consume his fear.

“You’re an idiot!  A bad luck magnet! We are gonna die here, because you can’t keep your damn hands to yourself.”

Tim turned to Leo to yell back at him, but as he did light caught his eye, and he turned to the wall opposite him and spotted an opening the size of a doorway at the corner.

“Dude look!  We’re not trapped after all!  Everything is fine.”

The dogs started growling and backing up into the corner…

Leo picked up his bag and sighed, grumbling out words.

“ Well thank God let’s get the fuck out of here.”

As they approached the opening, the dogs started growling and whimpering and wouldn’t follow them any closer.

Suddenly a large yellow eye and a huge, snarling set of teeth appeared in the doorway.

The two friends were shocked still and the humongous beast narrowed its eyes at them before turning the corner, its sharp claws and powerful body parading just beyond the doorway.

Tim was the first one to speak, uttering out “I was afraid of that.”

“What do you mean afraid of that?  Tim, what’s going on?”

“Well, the markings on the walls kind of imply there’s a giant monster, and every half hour the opening will open just a bit further, until it's wide enough to get in and…eat us.  But the markings looked so old,” he continued quickly, “I thought the monster would be dead!”

“You thought wrong, you dumbass.  Did it say anything about how to get out?”

“You’re not gonna like this but, the only way to get out is to make a break for it right as the monster turns the corner.  If we make it to the passageway, we’ll be safe since it can’t fit its giant monster body through.”

Leo stared at Tim blankly for a few seconds, before glaring at him.

“Fucking wonderful.  Why do you always get us into these situations?!”

Tim gave him a sheepish smile and offered, “You can pick the place we visit next time?”

“Fuck off and let’s get ready to run like hell.”

They stood close to the corner, but not close enough to smell the disgusting breath of the monster as it peered in as it went past the doorway.  As soon as its tail disappeared around the corner, the two ran out the opening, the dogs following unhappily.  Halfway through the cavern to the passageway, they heard a thunderous roar and felt the pounding footsteps as the beast broke out into a sprint after them.  Speeding through and narrowly avoiding tripping on plants and rocks, the dogs make it to the passageway seconds before the duo passes through.  The beast is still charging after them, determined to catch its dinner.  Tim and Leo run through the passageway towards the first flight of stairs, when Leo pauses to catch his breath.

Tim turns around and watches in horror as a giant clawed paw reaches into the hall, swiping at Leo, who is still bent over and out of breath, and narrowly misses the man.  Leo feels the brush of wind the swipe caused and flinches away, starting to running further without out stopping, and crashing into Tim.  They fall onto the floor and both watch in shock as the beast glares at them from the cavern.  It growls at them and stalks off.

The two friends turn to each other, and after a seconds pause, Tim bursts out laughing.

“The fuck are you laughing for?  I almost just became monster food!!”  Leo swats at him, and Tim just falls over, giggling uncontrollably now.

“Goddammit Tim,” Leo grumbles out and then grabs his backpack from over his shoulder, digging around for the extra canteen.

Tim sobered up and smiled at his friend.

“We made it out alive and that’s all that matters, right?”

Leo stopped rummaging and glared at his friend.

“I dropped my fucking extra canteen back there.”

Tim laughed and asked, “Do you wanna go back and get it?”

“Fuck no.  Let’s get out of this awful place.”

A Prayer for a Generation That's Still a Long Ways Off

Please let them find their home

Let them find the place they can rest their sleepy head and fall asleep knowing theyll be safe, 
and wake up knowing they're okay, 
and meet the day not wishing they were dead.

Let them find their home, the place thats full of warmth and joy and peace and welcomes them with open arms,
Let them be surrounded by the ones they love and let them be loved in return.

Let them walk outside and not be afraid that they will be hurt or tormented or killed merely for existing

Let them follow their dreams and passions,
and let them not know the struggle of sacrificing your dreams for financial stability.

Let them grow and be wild

Let them learn and be kind

Let them walk alongside their neighbors, both near and distant, 
and explore this Earth with peace and hope and friendship

Let them be happy with who they are,

And when they look at themselves, not see a body full of flaws

Let them make peace with their pain

But dont let them be hurt beyond recovery

Let them run and be free and let them appreciate the beauty of wind whistling through treetops, 
along with the beauty of nanobots removing tumors

Let them accept others and accept their differences
and let them all celebrate the uniqueness of themselves

Let them be happy and honest and unafraid and full of love for life

And please, let them always find their way back home

Prose/poetry and a haiku

Swirling spinning almost falling...but still grounded.

Struggling to ascend, to climb up hills and hills of muddy dirt and dewy grass

When you reach the peak you exhale, a sigh that is carried away by a gentle tug of wind

You turn--

And see the whole world far far away, below are the hills of grass and mud and beyond that, is too far beyond to make out clearly

maybe buildings, houses, schools, offices? bridges and roads, connecting the small dull boxes and straight roads, all leading to a place.  People small like ants walking along to their destination.  

Their goal is point b. 

...Is it not yours?

sometimes you wonder; "if my goal is not point b, is it point c? or is my goal something not so easily planned"

You turn back around and place the world you climbed out of behind, standing at the peak

of the very first hill

and you breath in the hills rolling beneath your feet, clusters of small forests and foliage breaking up the expanse of green green grass

there is no point b here

you are just floating along with the ebb and flow of the wind and earth, 

eager and open to whatever road your mind decides to follow today

Farewell gray cities!

Time to let go of constraints-

Adventure, awaits.

Bubbles (The one that feels like it's still a WIP, but so am I)

I was so young, before I even knew how old I was.  Sitting in a bathtub full of warm, soapy water.  The small window on the light teal tiled walls showed an exterior curtain of trees, hiding the bathroom from any source of moon light.  I piled bubbles on to my face to make a pretend beard, and I become a pirate captain, ready to throw my bath toys off the plank.

pop

I was around 5 years old when I got my first dog.  Chihuahua-mixed...He loved when I blew bubbles.  Chased after them and tried to bite them.  Always confused after they popped.  He ended up running away.  I just kept blowing bubbles for three more days.

pop

Around 10 years old when I was visiting my cousin for weeks in the summer.  We were just about the same age and would run around playing all day if we weren't in summer camp.  She had a pool in her backyard that felt like an ocean to a kid who usually stays in the shallow ends.  We would throw toys to the bottom of the pool, and take turns diving deeper and deeper to retrieve them.  The first time i touched the bottom of the pool in the deepest part, I felt afraid I would drown when on the way up, bubbles of air fought their way out of my lungs.  As we did this more and more,  I was able to hold my breath longer and longer, keeping in my bubbles of air.

pop

When I was about 12 I played with my two younger brothers, who were 6 and 4 at the time.  I would blow bubbles in our backyard, and they would run around trying to catch them or pop them.  Sometimes I wish instead of blowing the bubbles, I could be the one trying to catch them,

pop

Probably around the same age but I might have been older, the last time I saw my best friend from preschool was at her birthday party.  It was held in her backyard, and she had a huge kiddie pool full of water and bubbles machines making the small spheres of soap float around.  It felt magical, and we got in the pool and pretended to be mermaids.  The bubbles floated around us, and as they slowly popped, the sun got lower and lower.  At the end of the day I had to leave, but I was't ready to her.  I haven't seen her since.
pop

15 or 16, blowing bubbles on my own.  My backyard had a gate to go up into the Niles hills, and at the time I didn't care if where I was entering was private property or not.  I hiked up the hills to a small tree facing the rest of Fremont, where I was living at the time.  I sat down and blew bubbles.  They were so beautiful.  Their iridescence, the glimmer of rainbows in their otherwise transparent forms.  They were incredible to see, but so short lived.  The can bring so much joy for being something that only exists for a few seconds.

pop

Older now, sitting in front of the laptop, staring at my latest drawing.  Quite proud of myself actually, the colors on Vitus looks great, despite his tail being a strawberry color.  The background looked too plain...He is a mermaid underwater...The perfect addition would be bubbles.

pop

18 years old.  This bubbling in my stomach must be what people call butterflies.  But while they did come from me being nervous, it's not a negative feeling.  I get nervous for school presentations, and talking to strangers, but this was nerves about being around the person I had a huge crush on.

pop

Bubbling emotions!  At 20 years old I change my life.  Bubbles can be so fleeting, and so can emotionally charged moments.  This is one that changed my life.  Hiking up another hill, this one on the Northern side of the bay, and much higher than the one I climbed so many times in high school.  I'm with my favorite person in the world, the one who makes me bubbles with happiness and love.  I get to one peak of many, and turn around to face the world.  As the wind rushes through my hair and blocks out all other sounds and gives me relief from a hot sun, I have bubbles of excitement and anticipation and growth.  It bubbles around in my chest and when it bursts I realize I am a work in progress.  And that's okay, because I never want to stop learning and growing and changing.  And I realize that it's okay to let things go.  Some things just aren't meant to last, some things are meant to be here for a moment, and leave an impression possibly, but they don't have to be here physically to still keep their meaning.  Like bubbles.